No tears today

Well done Me, got through a whole day with no tears.
We had an induction session this afternoon at base. I can say I almost feel excited about mr 17 year old going into the Navy, however then I remember this involves leaving home.
It was really neat to listen to my son and the recruiter having conversations about his future, with his background of being in cadets she believes he will fly through the basic training.
What amazing opportunities youth of today have. I am so proud of my sons choices and determination to reach his dream.
Have started to think today how it would be for me to move to Auckland.
Have also started reading a book called navigating your way through rapids of life. It would be good helpful advise if I had a partner, it's directed at married couples dealing with the challenges we face in our 40s and 50s and I'm not really interested in the importance of not letting my sex life dry up!!! Don't read this book if you are single!

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change, to slow the days down, to turn back  time, to stop my tears and fears. Please.
My son is slowly ticking things off his list he needs to complete before leaving, his excitement matching my breaking heart.
I received a humbling text from my mother today apologising for not being there for me and my sisters. First acknowledgement after 30 odd years of not having any kind of mother/daughter relationship. I texted her 2 days ago trying to understand what it might feel like to be a 65 year old woman with 3 daughters that she didn't know. I explained I weren't being critical, that I was trying to understand how that happens.
She was very defensive and I didn't get even close to any understanding except to believe she is truly mad. Or has created a world in her head where she doesn't have to face the truth.
The text said Hi, sorry for not getting back to you sooner, I texted your sister and she also agrees with what you said, hearing that from both of you was a bit of a wake up call for me. Done a lot of thinking and crying, where can I start to make it up to you all? if that's even possible? maybe take the time to meet every so often just as my daughters and me, hope Jane (other sister) can learn to forgive me also in time. I just wish now that I had of had a mothers love when I was only four years old, maybe I would have been a better mother to you all. love mum
In trying to sort out my emotions I have opened some possible moving forward opportunities for a wider circle of my family members. I am unsure where to from here for me and my mother, for today, I hope she allows herself to feel her hurt, I hope her insides are aching like mine, I hope she is hurting not for the me and my sisters she let down but her grandchildren were ripped off a nana. I hope for tonight she can put down her glass of wine and feel her sadness.
I am grateful for the person I am today, the road hasn't been full of wonderful choices, but I have wonderful children and wonderful sisters.

argh- I finally have some relief, a lot in fact. I am a good mother and I my relationship with Mr 17 year old will be forever.
Some of my fears over the last few days have been tied up with my own relationship with my mother- or lack of a relationship. She is an alcoholic who kicked me out of home when I was 15. We have had a few attempts over the years at closing this rift however it has never happened. I have not seen her for four years. I stepped outside of my comfort zone tonight and texted her, hoping for some open communication about how it would feel to have 3 grown up children but not have a relationship with any of them- she was very defensive and not even prepared to acknowledge this as the truth. It has been a huge sense of closure that these relationships will be taken to the grave with her- there is no healing, no hoping, no mother. There is a new sense of I am not her, I am going to never stop communicating with my son, never stop letting him know he is loved and valued, never stop telling him how proud I am of him, never stop encouraging him. I will never let him go- I do however need to let him shift out :-( I WILL miss him. I miss the baby he was, I miss the little boy he was, I miss the school boy he was, I miss the young teenager he was.....I will miss the amazing young man he is. I will miss Him.

27 days to go

So its been 2 days and still the tears continue to flow, they are right at the surface as soon as my eyes open from brief sleep- I remember my son is leaving home in 27 days.
The big hole in my chest that is feeling physical pain remains. I am allowing my sadness as I am sad, I am not going to deny how I am feeling, it is important for me to let the sadness move through me. I think its a lot of sadness that hasn't been allowed to be expressed in a healthy way.
I am feeling so guilty as a mother- this is an old feeling, I have beaten myself up many times over the years for not being a great mother earlier on in my boys lives. How eager this belief is ready to surface!
Did I spend enough time building blanket caves, jumping on beds, making mud pies, baking pikelets....No. I liked a clean, orderly house. I like a quiet, calm house. Did I read enough bed time stories, did I read any? I did buy some on CDS to play to them. Did I give enough cuddles? I cant remember the last time Mr 17 let me give him one. We stopped hugging years ago. Or I stopped hugging him.
I have put relationships and employment ahead of my children, I always did, have, do. I am being hard on myself, but I deserve it, I have been a crap mum.

Hi, I needed to find something to distract me from crying. What should be a very proud moment in any mothers life is conflicted by overwhelming sadness. My Mr 17 year old has been accepted into the Navy, yes wonderful, awesome, so proud, etc etc, however the reality is he has to leave home to do this. 28 more sleeps.
Mr 17 year old will no longer live on the same island as I do. It doesn't feel like hes taking the next step into his adult life, it feels like he is stepping out of mine, it feels final. He got the phone call today to make it real. He is a fantastic young man and I am going to miss him. And now I'm back to crying so this blogging hasn't distracted me at all.