27 days to go

So its been 2 days and still the tears continue to flow, they are right at the surface as soon as my eyes open from brief sleep- I remember my son is leaving home in 27 days.
The big hole in my chest that is feeling physical pain remains. I am allowing my sadness as I am sad, I am not going to deny how I am feeling, it is important for me to let the sadness move through me. I think its a lot of sadness that hasn't been allowed to be expressed in a healthy way.
I am feeling so guilty as a mother- this is an old feeling, I have beaten myself up many times over the years for not being a great mother earlier on in my boys lives. How eager this belief is ready to surface!
Did I spend enough time building blanket caves, jumping on beds, making mud pies, baking pikelets....No. I liked a clean, orderly house. I like a quiet, calm house. Did I read enough bed time stories, did I read any? I did buy some on CDS to play to them. Did I give enough cuddles? I cant remember the last time Mr 17 let me give him one. We stopped hugging years ago. Or I stopped hugging him.
I have put relationships and employment ahead of my children, I always did, have, do. I am being hard on myself, but I deserve it, I have been a crap mum.