To accept the things I cannot change, to slow the days down, to turn back time, to stop my tears and fears. Please.
My son is slowly ticking things off his list he needs to complete before leaving, his excitement matching my breaking heart.
I received a humbling text from my mother today apologising for not being there for me and my sisters. First acknowledgement after 30 odd years of not having any kind of mother/daughter relationship. I texted her 2 days ago trying to understand what it might feel like to be a 65 year old woman with 3 daughters that she didn't know. I explained I weren't being critical, that I was trying to understand how that happens.
She was very defensive and I didn't get even close to any understanding except to believe she is truly mad. Or has created a world in her head where she doesn't have to face the truth.
The text said Hi, sorry for not getting back to you sooner, I texted your sister and she also agrees with what you said, hearing that from both of you was a bit of a wake up call for me. Done a lot of thinking and crying, where can I start to make it up to you all? if that's even possible? maybe take the time to meet every so often just as my daughters and me, hope Jane (other sister) can learn to forgive me also in time. I just wish now that I had of had a mothers love when I was only four years old, maybe I would have been a better mother to you all. love mum
In trying to sort out my emotions I have opened some possible moving forward opportunities for a wider circle of my family members. I am unsure where to from here for me and my mother, for today, I hope she allows herself to feel her hurt, I hope her insides are aching like mine, I hope she is hurting not for the me and my sisters she let down but her grandchildren were ripped off a nana. I hope for tonight she can put down her glass of wine and feel her sadness.
I am grateful for the person I am today, the road hasn't been full of wonderful choices, but I have wonderful children and wonderful sisters.
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